a brain's roadtrip through quasi-quirkytogetherness

i'm 27. reasonably intelligent. passionate. caring. creative. i would consider myself a "quirkyalone" (google it if you're curious)... i have hobbies, i keep myself occupied, and i'm generally a fairly happy person. i like the ideas that i can be by myself without being lonely, that my vibrator is my friend, and that my family consists of the people that i choose for it. i like long walks in the rain, renting an apartment as opposed to owning my own place, and playing chopsticks - just for fun - even though i played piano for 12 years. i define myself by my eccentricities (my father laughed when i told him i'd fallen in love with canon's 35mm rebel), and i tend to surround myself with like-minded, creative people. my best friends are drawn from experiences in grade school, high school, college, and grad school.  i've been financially independent for the past five years, and i have a master's degree. aside from the rather one-sided political passions, volumptuous with a capital V body, and somewhat ucky relationship history, my personal profile is almost snazzy.
 
three weeks ago, the man i'm "seeing" asked me if i loved him. i froze up and freaked out on him (in part, because he's been saying those words to me since april, but mostly because of the ucky relationship history), then admitted that i probably did but wasn't ready to use that word yet. he reacted pretty well, all things considered, but our communication has been sketchy over the past two weeks. my cell phone's whacked out and i'm heading home in less than a week, but it's still disconcerting to not talk with him on a regular basis.

this man... he challenges me on so many levels. he's self-confident (i called him arrogant when we first started talking), sexy, powerful, intelligent, and passionate about the people he loves. i count him as one of a handful of people whose opinions really count in the scheme of things for me. he makes me look into my darker corners, into those  vulnerabilities that i hide from the rest of the world.  having said that, he's also learning how to play (that would be my contribution to the relationship). i can imagine a real future with him; i just don't know if i'm ready to jump head-first into it yet... not when everything else in my life is changing too.
 
i leave this place on thursday to return to my hometown. i have a job (pending certification and board approval), a possible class in old english to take at a nearby university, and some serious "save money and buy new furniture, then get my own place ASAP" plans to fulfill (staying with my parents until i find a place). all of that aside, maybe i'm just "scurred," as the st. louis kiddies would say, of losing that independence, that self that drives me. on the other hand, maybe facing that is another step on my road to being my quirky-independent-but-in-love self.
 
too much melodramatic meandering for a blog roadtrip? probably. maybe next time god will hand out maps...