boys, boys, boys

i suck at relationships. "the suckingest suck that ever sucked" kind of suck... the kind where you really should have a sign so that the people you date are forewarned.


The First

i ditched my first love when it became apparent that he couldn't keep a promise for shit. after i broke off our engagement, i stayed away from boys in general for about two years while i healed (it was a pretty deep wound). i moved down to the delta and decided that all of my time down here would be spent in play. i wasn't looking for long-term anything because it hurt when it ended.


Hit and Runs

my last two boy toys were definite short-term solutions to the horny as a frog problem.

one - the fuck buddy - was completely unavailable (delta-style, "you been sleeping with my man" shit) but oh-my-god FUNNY and such a good friend. obsessed with grape koolaid, music downloads, and my breasts), but we had so much fun together that i was willing to overlook that minor inconvenience - until my best friend started dating his friend and i couldn't go over to hang out with all of them because of the "other woman" status.

boy #2 - the stalker - was also completely unavailable, but entirely obsessed. called the house a lot, watched me through pot-clouded, puppy-dog eyes, hassled my friends about when he could see me again... odd duck, but a pretty fantastic partner in bed. nevertheless, once was enough to get me phone calls and whatnot for about two months. it's the beer-flavored nipples.



The Guy

the guy that i talk to has been dropping the phrase "i love you" into conversation pre/post climax. now, suave, urbane woman that i am, i know guys tend to say things in bed that shouldn't be taken seriously, so i've been ignoring it when he says it.. just filing it in the "things we wish were true" box with santa clause, money trees, and perpetual springtime.

last night, he interrupted my orgasmic flow to tell me that he wanted me to respond when he said things like that. he says to me, "it's not just sex talking here." yikes. i was speechless. petrified. it was much easier to think that he wasn't serious and that i wasn't hurting his feelings when i didn't say anything back. the thing is... i can imagine a future with him - him studying for his professional exams while i grade papers and work on my dissertation; playing with our kids in the backyard; having hot, goofy sex at all hours of the day; holidays spent bouncing between the two sets of grandparents. all of the standard "golly gee, i think i might be in love" stuff, plus the sheer terror of having gone through all of this love crap before. i want to tell him, too, but it's like my mouth is all gummy and i can't speak (yes, like neo in matrix).


for those of you who have been here before, do you have any advice? i could really use some.