sweet blackberry tea... an update

the good news:
(1) i'm in the process of making arrangements for a roadtrip to illinois to see the family. it's still three weeks away, but at least that gets me home within a reasonable time period. helps with the homesickness. (2) i'm writing a letter to the principal re: some of the shit at work, hoping that he'll see it as a "i want the best thing for our kids" letter and not an "interfering yankee" letter. (3) the sunday morning sex talk tradition continues, moved to mcdonalds today. (4) class went well. i didn't burst into tears in the middle of lazy-eye's lecture, and i got ten - yep, TEN - sets of papers graded and a week's worth of lesson plans done.

the bad news:
still feeling down about the whole delta boy drama. i'm tired of feeling like i'm good enough to be the girl on the side, but not good enough to have the boy to myself. "the perfect mate," he called me, as he cried on the other end of the line and apologized for chasing after me when he knew i wouldn't want to be with him if he had a girlfriend. and the relationship had potential. we make each other laugh, we can talk to each other for hours, the chemistry was there... he asked me once if this didn't work out, if we could still be friends. at the time, i told him yes. now i don't know. can you have friendship without trust? can you be platonic friends with somebody if you wonder what the other side could have been like?

a side note:
for my mtc friends... it wasn't that i didn't trust you or that i don't love you... it was that i was too vulnerable to open up about it. only one person knows the whole story, and it needs to stay that way for a while, until i heal over a little. i can only take so much exposure to light and pain. thank you, though, for loving me in spite of myself.