sitting alone in the dark, listening to the thunderstorms roll in across the delta as a tornado flutters across the would-be horizon, i sometimes find myself playing the "what if" game. what if i had married my former fiance? what if i'd become a teacher three years ago, as scheduled? what if my life had remained on its perfect little track? i would be living in houston, teaching in the public schools, working within houston's at-risk population, raising a young child (probably a couple of years old by now, little blonde-haired, brown-eyed hippie girl - that was the plan), singing and playing with our friends on the weekends, enjoying my summers off, dancing barefoot in the kitchen with my husband when he came home from work, playing with my daughter and the pets after school, grading papers after she went to bed at night, curling up with him when i went to bed at night... it's a perfect little image, isn't it?
a part of me wonders at the possibilities untouched. i know that i should be over this, and - really - mostly, i am. i've made a life without my former fiance, and it's a great life. it's a happy life. i'm teaching some of the best students in the history of the universe, i've met some fantastic friends during my time down here, and i love my life. but i was driving home from gvegas last night, wondering what i'll do at the end of this two years, when the majority of my friends, my companions who understand me even when i'm being all crazy-like, these people who have become my family, leave. because they will. and maybe i will too. i don't want to dedicate my entire life, my all, to just one area of that perfect life i'd envisioned for myself. i don't want to sacrifice another chance for the family, the friends, and the life that i could have. neither do i want to desert these kids who have come to mean so very much to me, who almost expect all of the young teachers to walk out of their lives.
it all comes down to choices, i guess. i chose to make the decision that ended the biggest relationship i've ever had. i chose to move 10 hours away from my family and friends. i chose to be independent and to stand on my own for myself. it's been an interesting ride so far. i just wish i could see the road through all of this stormy weather.